Lookout For Miss Right- 18

      Standing in the doorway like a bull getting ready to fight was someone I had come to fear more than the devil himself. Sonia.
Barbs and I scrambled to our feet, half-naked. I was clad in my blue boxer shorts, Barbs in her bra and panties, clutching the pink bed sheet.
“What is going on here?” Sonia bellowed again. She began advancing into the room, a crazed look in her eyes.
“Sonia, let’s talk about this please…” Barbs was saying.
“Talk? Talk? Okay…let’s talk about how you stole Austin from me! And now Jake!” Sonia screamed. She turned to me. “Is this your sick mother, you bastard?”
I didn’t know what to say, especially now that I knew her mental condition.
“Sonia…” I began.
“Shut up! Just shut up!” She yelled. “Barbara , you slut! I warned you never to come near my man, didn’t I?”
“It’s not my fault they prefer me,” Barbara wasn’t backing down. “And don’t you dare call me a slut again! How did you get in here? Get out! Get out now!”
Her words were cut off with a resounding slap. I hadn’t seen that coming.
Barbara reared back like a wounded cat. I thought she would start crying, the next thing I knew she had landed an equally resounding slap on Sonia’s face.
I was confused. If there was one thing I had learnt, it was never to get in the middle of a ladies’ ruckus. But I couldn’t leave them to kill themselves.
“Ladies please…” I began
It was no use; they had pounced on each other already. I did the first thing that came to my mind. I packed the rest of my clothing and exited the room as quickly as possible.
Why did trouble always have to catch up with me? I asked myself as I crawled into my car and slammed the door behind me.
Within minutes I was out of there and on my way home. I changed my mind when I remembered that Sonia knew my house and could easily find me.
I went to the only place I knew I could go. Oscar’s.
I didn’t know how I was going to face Femi, knowing what I had almost done. We hadn’t had sex technically, I consoled myself. But you were going to, another voice reminded me.
Well, Femi didn’t have to know about it. I couldn’t stand having him mad at me. So, I decided to keep it a secret and hope that Barbs would too.

              

Thinking of Barbs made me feel guilty. I had left her alone in the hands of a maniac. What if something terrible happened? Sonia was crazy and would go any length to have me. What if this led to something more serious?
With these nagging thoughts, I made a U- turn and began driving back to Barb’s place. I was partly responsible for the situation, so it only made sense that I do my best to salvage the damage.
I arrived barely twenty minutes later and rushed inside. The living room was empty as before, so I guessed that they were still in the bedroom. I made my way to the room cautiously and stood at the door. Both women stood facing themselves, like a staring contest. They were obviously tired of using their fists. I don’t think they knew I was there.
“He’s mine. I don’t want you near him,” I heard Sonia say.
Barbs threw back her head and laughed drily. “If he’s yours…what was he doing in my bed?”
“You seduced him, just like you seduced Austin.” Sonia spat the words out with venom. “Just like you seduced my father!”

I gasped. Chief Odeniran and Barbara? Oh my God…
“Oh please…your father wanted me. He came after me. Guys find me irresistible, deal with it!”
Was she actually boasting about it? I wondered. The thought dawned on me that I had become one of those guys. First Femi, then Austin, now Chief Odeniran… what else didn’t I know about Barbara Bode- Johnson?
“Guys find you cheap! Irresistible is in your imagination. Stay away from me, Barbara…or you’ll see the bitch in me!” Sonia said in a menacing voice.
“Get out of here! You’re crazy!” Barbs yelled
It was at this point I stepped into the room. Both ladies instantly quieted.
“I think it’s time to leave, Sonia.” I said as calmly as possible.
She glared at me, the pointed a finger in my face: “You belong to me…and if I can’t have you, no one else can.”
With that she stormed out of the room. We waited until we heard her slam the front door behind her before our heart was put at rest.
“I thought you left?” Barbs asked.
“I did. Then I came back.” I watched her. My earlier attraction had faded.
She managed a small smile, and then touched my face. “My hero. See how crazy my cousin is? I can’t believe she threatened you.”
I moved away from her. There was a lot about her I didn’t know, and it made me uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong?” She asked. Her face was swollen in the places Sonia had hit her.
“Why does Sonia hate you so much?” I asked.
“Sonia hates everyone. It’s her mental condition.”
“Is she really your cousin?” I asked.
“Why all these questions? Am I being interrogated?” She was frowning at me.
“Just answer me,” I said shortly.
She stood. “No. I’m going to take a bath. You can help if you want.”
I stood too, and held her by the arm. “Answer me, Barbs.”
“You are not my boyfriend! I don’t have to answer your questions!” She yelled. “Let go of me!”
“So, who’s your boyfriend? Femi or Chief Odeniran?” The question was out before I knew it.
“You son of a bitch!” She loosened herself from my grip and raised her hand to hit me. I was faster than her and stopped her hand in mid- air.
“The truth is bitter, huh?” I asked sarcastically.
She eyed me furiously. “Well, deal with this truth… Femi is on his way here. I wonder what he’ll think when I tell him what transpired between us.”
I glared at her, and noticed that my heart began to beat a little faster than normal.
“You’re bluffing.” I said.
“Try me.”
I stood, wondering if I was ready to take that risk.

Dear Future Husband; A Letter

Photo by LivluvCreate

Dear Future Husband,

Believe me I will not be writing this letter to you if it were not so important. I have pondered on it many times and have decided it is important I communicate this with you before you approach me.

There is one thing you will need if you want to marry me. Forget the cars, the duplexes, the 9-5 bank job or the fat wallet, this thing is more important than all those. In fact, if used well, this thing will get you all those.

I am sure you are dying to know what it is that will be your ticket to marrying me. Let me tell you, it is something seemly insignificant but I tell you it is a case of the pen being mightier than the sword. And please do not laugh because if you do it will just convey to me that you are not the kind of man who understands the deep things of this life.

Okay here it is, my dear future hubby, you need dimples.
And no, I am not some dumb blond. I will not tell you what I have not researched about. I have seen the power of dimples first hand. In fact, the other day I went to the bank to do a transaction and while at the counter waiting my turn, a lady brushed by me and marched to the front like she owned the place.

I opened my mouth to tell her it was my turn next and she turned to me and the moment she smiled I knew that the battle was lost. This lady had the freshest dimples you could imagine. I almost died and went to heaven.

She now spoke in one tiny voice like that and said things I cannot remember because I was too busy basking in the glory of those two deep holes in her cheeks.
Now, I am not gay(how could I be, when I’m rooting for you?) but dimples have this effect on me that it doesn’t matter who has them; man, woman, animal, alien. I do not mind. They drive me crazy, in a good way.
You should know how the rest of the story goes.
So, future hubby; you don’t have to be tall, dark and handsome. Don’t worry dimples would take care of that. They have a way of wiping off any sort of ugliness in anybody. When you show them, everybody forgets about whatever inadequacies you have. With dimples, you are beauty in the eyes of every beholder.
And by dimples I don’t mean those semi-dots, those wannabes that appear by mistake on people’s faces. Like mine. Do you know how many times I have stood in front of the mirror and folded my mouth in just to produce actual dimples? I can’t count, I tell you. I mean real dimples, the deep ones that your finger can fit in.
Let me tell you why dimples are important again, for us. You see, dimples are like boobs. I have boobs so I can tell the effect they have on men alone, this time. They open up closed doors; they are powerful in an inconspicuous way. And with dimples you and I will never have to fight. Because I am very sure that by the time you bestow me with a glorious dimpled smile, my anger will evaporate and I would forget what I had been angry about in the first place. That way, we get to have lots of make-up sex even when there is nothing to make up for.
But that is good, right? After all, the key to a successful marriage is sex. And from what I hear make-up sex is the most beautiful kind; spontaneous and passionate. If we keep doing that, our marriage is sure to succeed. Do you know why?
Dimples.
Do you now see why it is paramount for you to have them?
With dimples, even if you don’t have a car or a good job when you come to marry me, my mother would convince my father to hire you and then marry me. You see, mother is a sucker for dimples too.
I am concerned about this because I am dimpleless and it has been a source of worry for me all these years. I have however made up my mind that when I have become a millionaire like some of these celebrities, I will fly abroad and have plastic surgery done. The kind where they only put dimples in my face. I hope that kind of surgery exists because I am thinking, if they could change a black man to white with plastic surgery, why not put dimples where there were none? Faces are like pasta, no?

photo by drahanorov

But I digress; I was saying that I am sure that if I marry you, dimples would automatically be in our children’s jeans…I’m sorry, genes. That has been my earnest prayer all these years.

Lord, what I have never been able to get, my children shall have in hundred fold. Amen.
So you see, you are paramount to the answering of this prayer.
Now, I know you will read this and I am telling you now, please, biko, mbok, ejooo drill a hole in your cheeks if you want me to ever recognise you because I have asked God to blind my eyes to any man whose cheeks are naked.
And my God answers prayers.
I will wait for you.

Your Dimpleless Future Wife.

Photo by Hitarek.net

Lookout For Miss Right- 17

The kiss deepened and I found myself enjoying it. We soon forgot we were standing outside. I was so turned on that I couldn’t think straight at that point. And she was not helping; she pressed her body against mine so I could feel every part of her without touching. An onlooker seeing us would think that we were a couple of sex- crazed teenagers.
Finally, I got back to my senses. I drew back and held her away from me. She was panting, and from the look in her eyes I could tell she was equally aroused. What the hell was going on here? I was playing with fire and truth be told, I really didn’t care. So what if Femi was sleeping with her? They weren’t officially dating… Barbs herself had told me that their relationship was purely physical, whatever the hell that meant.
Yet I couldn’t ignore the tiny voice that tugged at the back of my mind, I had never dabbled with any girl that Femi had. It was an unspoken rule among us guys. No one touched the other’s girl as long as permission hadn’t been given.
“What are we waiting for?” Her husky voice filled my ear, interrupting my thoughts.
She nibbled on my earlobe sending a sweet sensation down my spine.
“Get in the car,” I growled, feeling like I would burst in my pants. This girl was driving me crazy!
She giggled and got in the passenger’s side. I got in the drivers’ seat. And instantly, she was on me again. I don’t know how she managed to do it, but she leaned across and our lips locked again.
And soon we began groping each other, it wasn’t comfortable for us but we managed it. When it looked like we were actually going to have sex in the car if we didn’t get a grip on ourselves, she pulled away and said:
“Let’s go to my place. I don’t want to do it here.”
This was the only reasonable thing she had said in two hours. I agreed, because I was still avoiding my place, sort of.
I drove; she gave directions and distracted me at the same time by running her hands up my thigh.
My phone rang twice on the way; both times… it was Femi. You know how the Bible says that whatever temptation comes our way, there’s always a way out? Well, that was very true in my case. The pointers were there, telling me to stop while I still had the chance… but I deliberately ignored them. Jake, the rational man had simply been replaced with a more powerful force. Libido.
Sometimes, I wondered why God made us this way. There was no rationality for a man in full sexual drive. Not when his little head was thinking for him. At that point, everything the man did was with a surprising rush of adrenaline! He was instantly transformed to a superman.
This was the reason why a drive of thirty minutes took me less than fifteen. Soon, I was driving into the Sun City Estate which was where she lived.
We didn’t say much as we got out of the car, there were things on our mind that needed to be done, not said. Her phone rang while she unlocked the door, she didn’t pick. And I didn’t care to ask; maybe if I had…it would have saved me from the later incident that took place.

Her living room was twice the size of mine with pink cushions strewn around and a big white teddy bear sat in the middle of the living room. Before you think I was more interested in her living room than the lady in front of me, you need to know we had actually calmed down. We were both turned on, but not in the crazy uncontrollable way of before. Now, we were willing to take things slow and explore each other, satisfy each other.
She was smiling at me demurely, and suddenly she seemed shy. Not like the lady who jumped me at the restaurant.
“You like?” She asked, indicating the living room.
“It’s beautiful. Just like you.” I replied. I wasn’t lying; she did look beautiful standing there, her hair spread over her shoulders.
I took a step closer to her; there was something I had wanted to ask her for a while.
“Tell me why you gave me a hard time when we first met,” I asked
“You reminded me of Austin. And I couldn’t deny I liked you, but the possibility of having you never crossed my mind…” she said softly
“Why?” I asked, caressing her face.
“Because I was sleeping with your friend,” she said simply.
Another pointer that should have made me stop, but I didn’t.
“And now?” I asked, our faces were a few inches apart.
“Now…it’s just me and you. And I want you so bad I’m beginning to ache.”
That was enough to shut me up; I leaned forward and kissed her. Things took off from there, somehow, we found ourselves in the bedroom.
She enjoyed foreplay, I noticed. We took each other’s clothes off gently, and teased ourselves some more. Just as it was getting interesting, the doorbell rang…
We ignored it the first time, thinking that maybe the intruder would leave. But whoever it was was persistent.
“Are you expecting anyone?” I asked in between kisses.
She shook her head.
So we ignored it; basking in the beauty of our bodies. We didn’t hear the front door open, neither did we hear whoever it was traipsing around the house. The only thing we heard was the shout that startled us;
“What the hell is going on here?!”
We immediately sat up, startled…and my mouth dropped open.

HaPpY New YeAr: Unapproachable LiNDa

2015! Yaaay! Hey people. So, a friend and I played around with New Year stories and this is what I came up with. And as kind and generous as I am, I decided to share with you lovely readers.

Here’s to the first Hourglass post of the year. A little som’thin som’thin to keep you chuckling.
Cheers!

Don’t forget to drop your thoughts, they would be much appreciated. Enjoy!

*****

The night smelled of burning rubber. He clenched his hand to allay the nervousness that was eating away steadily at his gut.
Woman wrapper was the word that did it. That Timothy, of all people could call him that tore at his pride.
He; who had dared ask unapproachable Linda in her high heels and short skirts, out.
It was ironic that he was doing this now for her. She had promised that next year would be different, that she would not stop him from being with her- as long as he could prove himself.
Prove how? He asked, a puppy seeking approval from its master.
She had looked at him with those brown eyes and said; for New Year, I want a life chicken.
What? His twenty year old brain could not comprehend what a life chicken had to do with their romance.
Show me how much you love me. I love you, I love you no be by mouth.
She was right. Linda was an expensive girl, it showed in her rainbow makeup and her Ghana-must-go type of handbags. If he wanted to keep her interested, he had to buckle up.
And so he had found himself here. About to rob a church.

The idea had come as a joke at first, three jobless youths talking about how to make quick money this period. He had laughed it off when big-eye Timothy had suggested it.
But Ayo had bought the idea; had even offered to get the toy guns for the operation.
Why use guns if they’re toys? He wondered.
To scare them.
He had refused at first, thinking of his resolution to turn a new leaf this New Year. Then he had thought of Linda’s life chicken and Timothy’s taunting.
Just this once. And it must be over before 12:01am. He believed in resolutions.
He felt a tap on his shoulder and Timothy nodded at him. It was time. They slipped on their masks and waited as Ayo made his way to the back of the church.
The plan was simple; intimidate an usher to get the message across to the Pastor that service was being interrupted. Enter and make everyone surrender their valuables. Easy. The church was one of those average churches that had zero security.
As he stepped into the church behind Timothy, he saw that Ayo had done his job; everyone was lying face down.
Ayo handed him an offering bag.
Armed with bag in one hand, gun in another, he began his rounds.
Everybody submit your valuables before I shoot. Timothy growled.
Ike’s hands shook as he passed the bag around, his eyes glancing at the big clock intermittently.
11:50pm.
Ike! A harsh whisper in a familiar voice.
It was Linda, kneeling, her hands dangling over the offering bag he held.
He opened his mouth to explain then stopped as she raised her right thumb discreetly before lowering her head.
His confidence returned as he realised she had just given him the go-ahead.

Mimi A (C) 2015