Sunday Tonic- Acceptance (Just For Laughs)

I don’t know about you but there are times I wish I could take some ‘adults’, lay them across my knees and beat the living shit out of them. I know how that feels, not to be able to take out your frustration on the perpetrator. If you attack a grown man like that so-called Pastor Konga, people will call you a tout or a thug, they will start quoting things like ‘touch not my anointed blah blah blah’. They will not want to understand that the idiot provoked it the moment he started peddling false gospel like telling wives to cut down on sex with their husband. That is how some of these men of God will leave the main thing that God sent them to preach and come and be interfering in people’s matrimonial lives. Who asked that one for advice now? Anyway, it is why I like to look well at all these ‘men of God’ before attending their churches because you don’t know the spirit that one is carrying. Some of them will be bored and broke, they will rush and open a ‘gathering’ and call it church. If to say God dey wicked, thunder go just dey strike all of them one by one.
Now see my naïve bootilicious wife; now I know she’s never been the brightest bulb in the department…eh, yes I know, don’t crucify me because I said it out loud.
How you wan make my wife con sabi suntin pass me? But kai, maybe if she knows book just small, she will know that this Pastor Konga.com is using her head.
This woman, let me not remind her of how when we first married, sex used to sweet her like suya. Every time she will come and give me that look she knows I cannot resist, indirectly communicating that she wants some. Now she is forming sister Holy-Pass-God when even God did not say such a thing. Which one be Sabbath day again biko? And that hogwash about Sunday being too holy to have sex, where the Bible tok that kain thing?
Wait sef, is that Pastor Konga.com married sef? I am sure if he’s married, he is not obeying all these stupid rules he’s giving his members. People like them na im like to do pass and they will now be spoiling other people’s runs, pouring san-san in other people’s garri. Okay na. I will show him and my wife. She will be the one that will come and beg me to sleep with her. Yes!

Shey it has been three weeks since she made that her announcement? Since that time she started sleeping with jean trouser as if that one will stop us if we want to do anything. She has forgotten that time that we were courting that she wore all that turtleneck sweater and jeans trouser with leggings under to prevent ‘sin’, kai…but I be bad boy sha. By the time I was ready for her, the leggings and trouser disappeared like no man’s business. So she all of people should know that that one no be obstruction. If I want it, I get it. And it will not be called rape.
It is only on Thursdays she used to wear her nightie that she knows I like. So this woman now did mental timetable and picked Thursday as the day she wants to be having sex. What does she take me for, anyway? She thinks I’m a dog that cannot do without bone, then she will toss me a bone every once in a while and I’m expected to jump at it? I will just surprise her

So after her revelation I did not say anything again. I just laughed, believing when the time comes she will come around. I know one thing my wife hates, is the silent treatment so that’s what I’ve been giving to her.
I will come back from work, take a shower, eat dinner and climb into bed without a word or even attempting to touch her. She will try to make conversation by asking me question but I kill the conversation with my monosyllabic answers.
When she climbs into bed beside me after an hour of ‘shababraking’ in the sitting room, I will peek and notice her pulling on her jean trouser. Okay, she still never learn lesson. Shey the Bible say, wives submit to your husbands and your body no longer belongs to you alone? My own wife is withholding from me what is mine in the name of Pastor Konga.com. The mere thought of it makes me angry especially since we had previously agreed that we will start trying to have children this year. How will one have children with once-a-week-Thursday sex?
So, for the past three weeks I did not touch my wife and my body feel am. The sexual tension was beginning to pile up in my body and literally make my heart palpitate. Since we got married, this was the longest we’d gone without sex (of any kind). During my travels, we always made sure we kept our sex life alive through the different ways which of course we all know. But this one was telling on me, and I saw it was telling on her too. It was not the idea of not having sex that was telling on her, but the fact that I wasn’t even trying to get her to sleep with me despite the one day a week allowance. I’m sure she was beginning to wonder if I was getting it elsewhere or if suddenly I was no longer attracted to her.
I was getting cranky with everyone around me. I soon had to confess to my guy Mezie what was happening in my home.
Know this, Mezie is thirty-four and single with three baby Mamas. Yes, that is how fertile and loose my friend is. Mezie is probably bad news to any of the male folk or even female folk but somehow, he’d found a place in my heart and he had an uncanny way of reading women seeing as he’s had many entanglements with them.
So, when I told Mezie my plight, the first thing he did was laugh.
“Guy, your madam dey craze ooh!” he said in between bouts of laughter.
“Shut up and give me better advice abeg.”
He did not shut up of course. He laughed till he was satisfied and then he said;
“You sure say that Pastor no dey knack am?”
“Eh?”
“Yes nah. Wetin you expect? You think say the Pastor tell all the members of im church say make dem no do? If I hear say the men for that church listen to am. Mtcheew. Na winch?”
Yes, Mezie had a point. Was that rule for only my wife and me or did the rest of the church listen to such nonsense too?
I realised I had to pay Pastor Konga.com a visit.

Mimi A. 2014

*****Dear readers, I really wanted to end it here. I really did. I promise I didn’t plan for an extra part of this story but somehow that mischievous part of me took over and voila! I promise the Part three should be the last part of this story. Just pray for me that my fingers will not develop a life of their own. Pray, brothers, pray!
Now, you know how we do it. We cannot read and laugh over this and not comment. I want to hear your wonderful thoughts, I really do. So kindly, kindly drop a comment for Pastor Konga and our M.C if you please. Thanks in advance for being such darlings!******

DELIVERANCE SESSION

“Every scorpion that is biting you from the pit of hell, in the name of Jesus die by fire!” The Man of God thundered.
Linus snuck a look at the man, he was sweating profusely; his faded black shirt soaked to his singlet.
  “Pray brother!Pray! The forces of darkness will not prevail!! Prayyyyyyy!”
   Linus’ knees were getting sore, he’d been kneeling for almost two hours. Why had he listened to Chris? Why had he even told Chris about his little problem? He could have solved it without this histrionics. Deliverance indeed!
   First the Man of God had told him to ‘abstain from food for at least three days before the deliverance session’
Three days ke? He’d wanted to ask.
Instead he’d nodded dutifully. And he hadn’t fasted.
    Then the man of God had insisted that the deliverance session be held in his house.
“Why?”he asked bluntly.
“The spirit of the Lord ministered it to me. Your house it must be.”
“What about my neighbors?”his thoughts flashed to Sewe,the girl he’d been toasting for six months; what would she think of him?
“The power of God is unstoppable.Where the spirit of God is, there’s liberty. Your neighbours will benefit from it too.”
  He gave in because he saw that the man wasn’t going to give up.
“So tell me whag the problem is exactly. Do not lie to the spirit of God. Remember Ananias and Sapphira,” the man of God warned.
Linus felt the blood rush to his face. He was expected to blab about his private life to the man? Why couldn’t they just pray and forget about it?
“Er…I thought you knew. Didn’t the spirit of God minister to you about it?”he asked stalling.
The Man of God blinked and fixed him with a steady stare.

   Here they were, a week later in house, actual going through with the deliverance session. He was self conscious as the man screamed and jumped calling down God’s fire on the demons inhabiting in Linus’ body.

Get it done with already! Linus screamed within him. He had to keep dodging the spittle that flew at him from the man’s mouth.
I’ll kill Chris!he thought.

“Get out now! Now! In the name of Jesuuuusssss!”
Before Linus could blink he felt a huge slap on his forehead and next thing he knew, he was lying flat on the floor.
“Yes! Victory!” The man of God jumped in triumph.

A splitting headache suddenly developed in Linus head and he felt the rage boil within him as he struggled to his feet.
“Die! Die!”the man of God released another set of spittle on his face and pushed him back to the ground, “Let him go! Loose him and let him go! Now!”

Now Linus was really angry. His blood boiled with rage. No one, no one ever took advantage of him.
As he rose to his feet, he saw the Man of God’s hand reaching out to him again and this time he dodged and plunged headlong into the man’s stomach.
While Linus was a heavily built six feet two, the man of God was a shrivelling five feet six. It wasn’t difficult to tackle him to the floor and start pummeling.

“You’re mad! Nonsense! I will kill you today! Useless pastor!”
“E joo, please!”
“Let your spirit of God help you now! Fake pastor!” Linus panted in between blows.
“Chei! I want to piss oo! Ah…it is not spirit of God oo! Abeg!”

The neighbors gathered and from the corner of his eye, Linus saw Sewe staring at him with a smirk on her face.